Monday, July 14, 2014
Connecticut. Exterior: Big ass house, inside: Big ass house. It's eight hours until a pageant, and a blonde named Shelley with Betty Draper hair and beautiful antique sconces behind her, is practicing what she is going to say to the judges. She is standing in front of a mirror in some tie-dye nightgown, her big ol' crown and sash from another pageant she won (Mrs. America 2011) and some old lady sweater. They show us her little cheat sheet, where she has crossed things out. I tried to hit pause to see what she wrote, but the snippet was too fast. Anyway, her daughter, in a private school uniform and messy hair, comes in to ask if she can go play, in a whisper. Her mom must’ve snapped at her a thousand times by the way the girl is walking on eggshells. There goes mom talking in the mirror again. The daughter wants Gummi Bears and the mom eighty sixes that shit right away. They cut to a talking head of Shelley and it is now clear: She has a Marilyn thing going on with a strapless hot pink gown and thick crystally necklace- total Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend thing, along with the hair. Got it lady. She asks us how many kids get to say their mom is Mrs. America? I can't take my eyes off the dressing table in the background. I love this lady's decor- she has a really pretty chandelier in her room too.
Doorbell rings and 'Vanassa' is here. Oh sweetie. Why must you spell it like that? *shakes head* She comes in and Shelley tells us that when she first met her she thought she was hoochie mama with her huge boobs eight inch stilettos. She sounds like she is making excuses for mixing with her-a disclaimer for anyone who might judge her by the 'company' she keeps. Hey, I know this chick is ghetto, I am totally aware. But now they are 'friends' and they both have to show up at this Miss Tri-State pageant.
Vanassa tries on Shelly's crown and says it is way nicer than hers. Shelly deadpans "........Yeeeah" agreeing with her. Hmmm...too bitchy. Now I am liking Vanassa better.
Vanassa tells us in her talking head that she is a certified registered nurse and does anesthesia during surgeries. Hmmm. That is cool that she has a life other than pageants. Her talking head is in her show closet, and she is wearing an electric blue gown that completely covers her chest and goes off both shoulders, with sparkles on it. She looks overly made up and overly botoxed. It is hard to get past that, but she is winning me over. Ahhh shit, Shelly tells us Vanassa took time out from pageants to deal with breast cancer. Well shit, poor lady. Now she is my favorite. You guys know I had breast cancer five years ago, don't you? Well I did and it was not fun. But back to these hens.
Shelley and Vanassa bring up a third woman, Susanna. We cut to her house in Rhode Island, where she is in yoga pants - no wait, a velour tracksuit, talking about needing a cute, flowy dress for "stage." She has long dyed black hair that is parted straight down the middle, sort of unruly eyebrows, bright blue eyes. Vanassa says that Susanna is sort of a beginner- she does smaller level pageants, and that Susanna has asked for her help, being that she is new to the pageant world. He daughter holds like thirty titles and is well known in the creepy child pageant world and she is more used to that sort of scene. She thinks it would be easier to do those little sassy poses (like pouty face and the "no, no, no") for the judges than what the adult women have to do. They cut to a room that sort of looks like a store- all of the jewelry and accessories are displayed on shelves. She practices her runway walk while her husband leers at her and tells her to give it a little shake. She says she likes Vanassa showing her the ropes and giving her critiques, she appreciates it. Hmm. Okay.
Susanna shows up to some country club six hours prior to the Tri-State Pageant and starts rehearsing. The MC also doubles as the person in charge of, well, everything. She is showing what poses they can do, where their marks are. She tells them where to turn, how to model, everything. She is a jack-of-all-trades this MC. The ladies are getting ready back stage and there is a shitload of makeup back there, wow. Susanna tells someone that her hair is her best asset. It would be if she trimmed it a little bit and pressed it straighter, it is sort of frizzy. Oh shit, now she has to go to the interview portion where she tells us she is a friggin private pilot! Whoa- for reals? She isn’t sitting up straight, but damn, she speaks four languages. She tried speaking Chinese and the judges looked at her as if she were a total moron. But I am impressed. *golf clap*
Shelley and Vanassa arrive at the country club and greet Susanna, and a lady named Lynne. Shelley says Lynne is a walking Barbie. Vanassa thinks Lynne is shady and a washed up beauty queen. Whoa- harsh. She says she paid for one of her titles. Oooh, girl, those are fightin' words. Lynne has like, blue tips in her hair that I sort of like. They are very My Little Pony and you guys know I love my ponies. Anyway, Lynne seems harmless. She has a very...ahm...interesting looking husband and a daughter who favors his DNA. She has lots of sparkle and spice and flames and Chutzpa.
Cut to the Tri-state pageant. Shelley gets up to give a speech and immediately starts screwing it up- people in the audience are kind of smirking at her. They live for moments like these. She is done with the speech and on goes the pageant, with many...interesting contestants. Vanassa comes up and gives a speech on breast cancer and does a great job. Dammit...you can't hate a cancer survivor, this is no fun. The winner of the damn thing is...drumroll....Susanna! Looking sort of like Cher in a white mu mu!
The show goes onto introduce two other women, the first of whom is named Leha, who recently lost a bunch of weight and is now doing pageants, blah blah blah. She looks like a stripper with daddy issues and a controlling boyfriend who punches walls. But she has kids, is married to a cop, and apparently crazy things go down with the husband later on in the season so I am not far off in my assessment.
There is also Lori-Ann, who used to do fitness pageants and is trying to break into the regular pageants. She brings a costume over to Shelley's house for some input- and Shelley and Vanassa are like "No. A thousand times no" to her awful red glitter bikini and bat wings. Susanna lets her borrow her pale pink Native American costume. Shouldn’t this chick actually be Native American in order to borrow/wear the costume though? She is totally Caucasian. Anyway, Leha goes to Lynne's for advice on some shit also. Can't even remember what. Basically the newbies are being taken under the wings of the pros, and all seems well...until...
Susanna calls Vanassa to tell her she is wearing the same outfit as her, to the airport. She says she bought it first, so she basically gave Vanassa a heads up. But Vanassa insisted she already had her stuff laid out to wear, so she wore it as well and they got into a very trashy-ass fight in the airport. Vanassa stooped to the lowest levels of the trailer park in fighting with her, not being lady-like in the least. She went nuts over that hateful pantsuit.
Did any of you watch this mess? What did you think?
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Did you guys have Fresh 'n Fancy!? I had one of their makeup kits- it wasn't this one above- it was one where you actually shot creamy goo into hollow, fat, pink pencils; waited for the goo to dry, and then sharpened those suckers. The lipsticks were NEON bright, deep pink, and a glowing red. The eye pencils were super bright creamy blue and of course lavender- what else?! I also had Fresh 'n Fancy hair extension kit where you could make streaks in the extensions and stick them in your nine year old hair. Uh, YES PLEASE! Anyway, I have continued to have wayyyyyy too theatrical of make-up for everyday use, and I blame it on both this toy, and the Barbie Head- the makeup that came with it was meant for Phyllis Diller.
All right, off my chest.
Love you guys! Had to disable comments because I was getting depressed from so many people hating my guts- but for those of you who don't, thank you!!
Sunday, April 20, 2014
So I researched it a little, and here is the deal. Mr. Rogers, (his name was Fred by the way) was on a live TV show in the early fifties as a puppeteer- and he used many of those same puppets on the show we all watched in later years. It was on the live show that he started wearing those famous sneakers that he always changed into, because they were quieter than loud-ass tappy shoes and didnt disturb the show. Hmm- who knew? Anyway, they never showed him on the show, he was just the guy doing the puppets. After that he did some Canadian show where they built awesome sets, like a castle and what not, and he actually brought a lot of those cool sets to the States when he decided to do his own show.
Mr. Rogers thought kids' shows at the time were too crazy and in-your-face, and he wanted to do something slower paced and more calm. He thought kids could spot a phony a mile away, so he talked in his regular voice, red his fish, and tried to be his honest self, which is what we saw.
It was in 1968 that the show started to be on in the states- it was funded by Sears. Had no idea! Thank you Sears! He sang "Won't You Be My Neighbor?" to us as he changed into his cardigan and what not- and If you recall, there was a little red and yellow trolley that rolled by with some fast piano music, and it took us into the Land of Make-Believe. The real Mr. Rogers always liked trolleys, so he decided to have one on the show. The trolley went through a cool tunnel in the wall- I always liked that part.
There was also Picture Picture- do you remember that? It was like a screen in a picture frame where he showed us things.
There were a bunch of characters in the land of Make-Believe- the one I remember most was King Friday- he always used big words and sounded important. His wife was Sara Saturday (cute, huh?) and they had that son, Prince Tuesday. Mr. Roger's real life wife was named Sara, he named the puppet after her. Awww Freddie. I loved the castle! These images are from imgarcade.com, if you want to see more.
There was an owl named "X" in a tree, and my favorite, Henrietta Pussycat, who was a cute lil thing. She always used the word meow- such as "I need to meow meow before I meow myself to death."
I am sure none of you forgot Lady Elaine Fairchild and that little yellow tiger, Daniel.
Mr Rogers couldn't stand ad-libbing and was a perfectionist- I can relate. He actually guest-starred on Sesame Street once- I must have missed that!
He passed away in 2003=( One city put up this billboard:
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Thank you Tom for answering my questions and for giving us some insight into your brain!
Buy his book here on Amazon- Again, it is called
The Eighties: A Bitchen Time To Be a Teenager! A Memoir by Tom Harvey. Here is the description below- doesn't it sound awesome?
The decade of the 1980s has been called the Decade of Decadence. Decadence is defined as "the act or process of falling into an inferior condition or state; deterioration; decay" or my favorite, "unrestrained or excessive self-indulgence." For a decade that brought us Cabbage Patch Kids, Garbage Pail Kids, leg-warmers and New Wave, was it really a state of deterioration?! For one kid growing up in the Central Valley of California, it was a time of self-discovery . . . a transformation from a kid, to a teenager, to a young adult . . . his growing up years. At times utterly hilarious, at times poignant and powerful, Tom relives his teenage years in this true-to-the-last-word memoir. Where were you when John Lennon died? When the Space Shuttle blew up? When Lawrence Taylor ended Joe Theisman's career on live TV? When the Loma Prieta earthquake rocked Game 3 of the 1989 World Series? Tom will tell you where he was and what it meant to him. You'll also hear about first kisses, first loves, a joke about your Uranus, avoiding fistfights, the joys of minimum-wage jobs, college roommates, and WHOLE LOT MORE. If you're one of the 70 million Americans who can claim at least one teen year in the decade, you can relate to the era . . . if your kids can't understand your fondness for your Breakfast Club and Princess Bride DVDs, this book may teach them a thing or two about YOUR growing up years. Go ahead, say the word "bitchen" outloud. Yeah, it was a bitchen time, the Eighties . .
Til next time, folks!
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
I just saw a segment on The View. It was yet another study on what Barbie would look like if she were human with those proportions of hers. She would have to crawl on the floor because her feet are so small, she wouldn't be able to stand, etc etc etc. Guess what, you f*ckheads? She is a DOLL. She wasn't created to be a replica of a human for a medical class.
Most dolls are exaggerated- almost ALL of them are! What if Cabbage Patch Kids were human!? They would have gigantic heads that would be so heavy that their faces would hit the floor. What if La La Loopsy were real?! People would be blind because their eyes would be motherf-ing buttons. What if Strawberry Shortcake were real? She would be three feet f-ing tall and the constant smell of berries would bring her nausea.
Barbie is a fantasy doll. A doll who fits into cool clothes and who has cool hair. I didn't want to stretch her gold sparkly dress over wide mom hips. I didn't want to put on her metallic pink bikini on an A-cup. I wanted the bitch to look good! Not like ME, or anyone I knew. I wanted her to look fantastic. And she did.
Did Barbie cause my teenage eating disorders? Possibly. I don't know. Will have to visit a shrink. Did I think my body should look like hers in my twenties? I wished it would. But let's get real- anyone who thinks they should look like a doll is nuts in the head. Me included.
Keep Barbie the fantasy doll. She looks great in her clothes. She has waist long princess hair and feet bent to fit into pumps. Let's not be haters.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
And if that wasn't enough, you could get a Dream Glow BED! Fancy!!