Saturday, April 22, 2017

Bullies: What to Do

Teens sometimes ask me about Bullies. What should they do? This guy has been making fun of them, they are embarrassed, they don't know if they should tell, if they should fight, if they should jump off a building.

Well, here is what I say: 
Don’t let any of his words have power.
Him: “Look at you, you are such an idiot! Look at those stupid shoes you are wearing!”
You: “Yeah bro. My shoes are sooooooo stupid.” (yawn.)
Him: “What? Are you trying to start something with me?! Let’s go!”
You: “Calm down. You must be overdoing your protein powder. no one is trying to fight you.” (calm face, bored eyes.)
Him: “Are you talking sh*t?! Look at you, you must weigh 80 pounds! I could bench more than you!”
You: “Right. 80 pounds. This is so tiring.”

You can’t really stop people, I have found. We all got teased for various things— and I am not even kidding— they will find something, even if you are the most attractive person in the world— they will say you have big ears or a weird chin or you walk funny. There is no escaping the cruelty of bullying really, you just let it fly right over you and don’t absorb it. You can always say something back. If they are making fun of you for being short and too quiet, you can say “Yep, I’m short and quiet, what about it?” and shrug like you don’t even care. It can go like this (not that you would want to do this, but an example:)
Them: “ Hey, where are you going shortie? Going to be quiet somewhere?”
You: Look them in eye and say “Yep, that’s me. The quietest, shortest guy/girl in the world” and look bored and unamused.
Them: ‘Why are you so quiet? Why don’t you talk?”
You: “Guess I don’t have much to say. Must be because I’m so short, huh?”
You basically repeat what they say back to them in a bored manner. When you parrot someone like this, it makes them look like they don’t have good material. You continue this with any and all rude remarks, and it knocks the fun out of it for them.

Another thing that happens to kids is that they are made fun of for liking something "different", which is why a lot of them hide their likes. But I think you should take the power out of that, also. 


Your rude friend: “You like____? How stupid! I can’t believe you like that!”
You: *shrug, look bored* “Yeah, I do. Call me crazy. I just like it for some reason.” *yawn*
Your friend: “But…I can’t BELIEVE YOU LIKE THAT! (laughs hysterically and points at you)
You: *still bored looking* “Just a quirk of mine I guess. So, what are we doing on Saturday?”

It makes some of us a little tougher. There are bullies everywhere, even when you get out of school. There are co-worker bullies. A boss can be a bully. And sometimes, you know how to better deal with that type of person if you have been bullied when you were younger. It gives you a thicker skin, so you don’t fall apart when it happens later in life.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

1980s Candy Wrappers: The Best

I have collected candy wrappers since I was, oh, I don't know, probably nine years old. I liked the colors, the fonts, the whole thing. Willy Wonka candies were my favorite because of their liberal use of bubble letters, a favorite of all nine-year-olds in the 80s. I was also a Bubble Yum and Bubblicious fan for the same reason, now that I think of it! Here are some of my favorites-- and credit/copyright is due to the rightful owners. I am just the giver of props:

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Parties! What to do, what to say, when to stop...

Let's talk Parties! Questions and answers are below:

I want to be invited to parties at my college, but I am scared I won't know what to do when I am there...

You have to loosen up, then it will happen. Don’t put too much weight on it. In your head, just tell yourself, “so what…this is just a gathering of drunk people, and none of them are even thinking about me, they are all in their own brains right now.” If there is a party going on, and it looks relatively public, walk in with some beer (if you can get it, hopefully you are of age in your town.) Anyone bringing food or alcohol to a party is most always welcome. Just hold it up and mouth “Where should I put this?” to whomever is in charge. Chances are, they will flag you in, and point to some ice chest somewhere. And then you will be in.

It is actually easier to be around people at a party, because they are loosened up and most likely have been drinking. You can say “any one want a beer?” and people will say “Me” and you can hand them one. That is how to start. Then just chat with whomever. Don’t be afraid of girls. In your head, tell yourself they are lucky to be talking to you. Let them do the talking. Ask them about themselves and let them talk. Then excuse yourself, and go somewhere else. They will wonder why you left. Just say “Anyone want a drink? I’m going to get one…” and either come back if they seemed interested or move on. Do this all around the party. Do not get too drunk, or, don’t even drink at all if you don,t want to. Trust me, once you see how foolish most people behave at parties, you will want to live again. You will say “Is that all there is?! I cant believe I was afraid of THAT.”

I'm a dude. How do I behave at a party?

Just go and act normal, don’t act too eager to talk to the girls, just give them a little head nod, like a “what’s up” sort of thing. You don’t really have to do anything at a party, there is no crazy rules so don’t psych yourself out too hard. In your head, tell yourself that they are lucky that you even came to this party. If you see any girls making eye contact with you, go over there and talk to them. Just chat with them , what’s your name, etc. They will ask you questions back. If it gets awkward, just say “Well I’m going to go get another drink— anyone want anything?” and then leave. If they are still looking at you or making eye contact when you come back by, they like you. If they are turned away, keep walking. As far as drama, just don’t cause any, lay low, stay in the background this time. When you go to more, you will get the hang of it.

I dont drink or do drugs. Can I still have fun at parties?

Yes, and not only that, you will 1) Not throw up in front of someone you find attractive 2) not get all sloppy and sweaty and say stupid things 3) not kill someone driving home (or get a DUI) and 4) remember who you talked to and what was said. I remember going to parties looking great, but by the time the party ended and I was done drinking, my makeup was smeared, I was stumbling, my breath was awful and I had regretted at LEAST one thing I said. All of that because I was too shy to go sober and have to deal with talking to people I didn’t know. If you can go to a party sober, it is a great skill to learn. 

When I was younger and offered drugs, I would say “I don’t want you to waste your money, no thanks”— Trust me, drugs are expensive and most people don’t want to give them away for free anyway. If you aren’t interested in them, it will be more for them. I never had anyone find that strange. If anything, they would look at me and say “That’s cool” or “Good for you,” and then do the drug themselves.

How can I make sure my party is safe?

Make sure that no one drives afterward— I sometimes post the number for taxi cabs/ Uber/car services in the restroom, so people will call it while they are in there. I also sometimes hire designated drivers to be at the party to take people home afterward, if they are all from my neighborhood.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Can Money Make you Happy? Well...

It won’t buy happiness, but it could buy some very important things for your family: It could buy them a place to live in a good neighborhood, where they are surrounded by people who are not criminals/dangerous. It could buy them top quality food for their health. It could buy them higher education. as in a tuition at a good college one day. 

It could buy them tutors if they struggle in school. It could buy them the ability to travel to different places and see how the rest of the world lives, see other cultures. It could buy a very safe vehicle for your family, so you will be a little more safe if there was an accident. 

It could buy you life insurance, so you can make sure your family is taken care of if something happens to you. It could buy your family really good health insurance, in case one of them gets cancer or a disease that requires specialty treatment. It could buy you a good retirement, so you don’t leave a burden on your children to have to take care of you one day. 

So no, not happiness exactly. But some things that might come in handy.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

How To Stop Being Miserable

How do I stop being miserable? Besides meds/therapy?

Find the music you used to love. Put that music on and play it all of the time. It could even be songs from when you were a kid, any and all music you love, play it. 

Get some living things in your place. A few green plants, or even a pot of flowers to put in the sun. Something that is alive. If you could get a puppy, that helps, because they will be excited to see you every day. Even a kitten would purr and sit on you. Let sunshine in your windows (and open them for fresh air.) 

Try to go outside and walk somewhere, even a little bit each day. Start calling people if you can (you might need to make a pot of coffee to get the energy to do this) and asking them to meet for lunch or dinner or a walk or whatever. Make little dates to do things, even if you don’t feel like it. If you have a fireplace, build a fire at night. If you are near water, go to the beach/lake/pond/stream and hang out there. If you are near grass, lay in it and read a book.

I know this all sounds ridiculous, but it shakes you up and gets you out of your head. Get a different scent. Whatever you were wearing when you were miserable? Get rid of it, put on something new, a new smell. Fill your fridge with healthy food. Get rid of that same shirt you wore every day. Change your sheets and make your bed. Change all of your profile pictures. Get a car wash. Go to church. Find an old toy you loved as a kid on eBay and put it in your room to remind you of your old self. Get a notepad and write about why you are so miserable; write letters to the people who wronged you and then burn them.

I just want to end it. Why can't I just do it?

I remember wanting to kill myself when I was fifteen. I ended up not doing it. The day after, I thought, “Well, I would have been dead already. This is all just an experiment now.” I started to dress like I truly wanted to (purple hair at the time.) I started to speak my mind to abusive people (even slapped someone across the face who was rude. ) I started to go places where I had always wondered about. I was a little more bold in every way. I kept thinking, “Well, I would’ve been dead….let’s keep going with this. These are all bonus days.” Started to be less shy, date who I wanted to date, be who I wanted to be. Yes, lots of messy mistakes and bad days. 

You are probably supposed to be here. There is a plan for you and you don’t know what it is. You want everything to end, because you have no idea the good things that lay ahead for you.  And now I am someone’s parent, an author of four books and an ton of other things…and I now see why I am supposed to be here. Just wait it out, let this pass, and see what happens. I think you might be suprised.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Respect: How to Get it

And now for some of my thoughts on ladies, gentlemen and respect...

I don't feel like guys respect me. How do I behave like a "lady"?

First off, by being offended at things in which a lady would. If a man assumes you are going to sleep with him immediately and makes a move in that direction: Be offended. In front of him. Why? Because he is assuming you are not a lady and that you would gladly get down with him. Guys are talking about disgusting s*xual things in front of you? Be offended. Why? Because they are assuming you don’t mind. Would they do this in front of their mothers or sisters? Probably not. Basically, any rude thing you let pass is showing people you don’t mind it. Think of things and actions a true lady WOULD mind. Be offended by those things and don’t be afraid to let people know it.

What is a gentleman, exactly?

Let’s see. A gentleman of course opens doors (car doors also) for ladies. He stands when a woman enters the room. If a woman is holding heavy items or has a lot of bags, he tries to help her (some women these days might be offended at all of this, because they find it sexist). He looks people in the eye, he has a firm handshake, he has good table manners, he picks up the check (ideally— not necessary.) He is well dressed, he has good posture. He is a good host (makes sure people have their cocktails, food; introduces people to each other.) The assists the elderly and gives up his seat for them on public transportation. He defends the honor of those who can’t do it for themselves (if a man is threatening a woman, he steps in and takes over.)

People have no problem putting me down. Why is this happening?

The only way to get it to stop is to not accept it. The only way it can even happen, is if you do not put a stop to it. You are letting it happen to you, unless you stand up for yourself. It can be uncomfortable to do so, and many people want to avoid that confrontation, so they allow it. So you would have to make a change.  It starts by you looking someone dead in the eye and cocking your head to one side and saying “Did I just hear you correctly?” and goes from there...

Until next time

Saturday, March 18, 2017


I went to look for a black tank top today. Here were the requirements: It had to be black. It had to cover my bra.

I drove to the mall, I walked in and was so distracted that I immediately felt anxious—so many things! Is that an Aveda store? I love the smell of their products! Godiva? Those truffles are really good—but I can now get Godiva at Kohl’s so it is not as precious as when it was only available at Macys during Christmas. 

Oh no…the kiosk guys! They are so aggressive! Ahh, they are coming after me with little spritzers and cards and packets and who knows what else—Please, get away from me, I don’t care if you are going to give me a million damn dollars, you are coming at me with an aggressive smile and I feel very uncomfortable! 

Crabtree and Evelyn? Doesn’t my mom love that place? Should I get her a gift now and save it for later? Abercrombie and Fitch? That is still around? Teavana. Oh I wish I knew the name of that crackhead tea I once had at that British lady’s house—Golden Monkey? Something that made me feel like I was high on something and that I could float on air and have brilliant conversations. 

Forever 21. Oooh. I like to look in there just to get a feel of what is going on in culture. Well, apparently, cut off Def Leppard and Guns n Roses shirts are going on in culture. My ninth grade wardrobe is literally on mannequins.

Walk into Zara. The place is an absolute hellhole of polyester, on racks that made no sense. Nothing by color or style, just basically Goodwill, or a garage sale. Nice sales girls though.

Victoria's Secret. Gay guy helped me. I wanted some sleep shorts in a cute color. I said I didn’t want 'ball-crusher' shorts, I like to put my knee up while I slept. He looked at me funny. I told him I thought they had only butt-ugly colors available that day, like a the puke rust color—where was the violet and neon pink? Turns out he was wearing the puke rust shirt. 

Asked the Victoria's Secret manager if they had those glorious nineties lotions like Pear Glace—she said the only once still around was Vanilla Lace. I said “The stripper one?” No comment.

So basically, after leaving the mall and looking through Home Goods, TJ Maxx and all of those stores, I have come to the conclusion that there is TOO MUCH SH*T out there. THERE ARE TOO MANY THINGS, too many choices. These things are shoved in our faces and our brains cannot compute. Well, mine can’t. 

Now, back to my laptop and AMAZON.COM....